So once again I am pondering upon the many intricate aspects of my life. And I find it strange that the people who 'know' me the best live so far away.
I know a lot of people that would think they can relate to this, what with friends moving apart to go to university but I beg to differ.

I really seem to lack some fundamental life skill of interacting with people in real life, don't get me wrong I am not entirely socially inept. Just the effort of feigning fondness constanly is so draining and I am well aware that it isn't really a friendship if you have to put on a front.
I think it is that almighty fear of commitment many people contend with. I guess I'm thinking about this now, as there are certain people in my life I have allowed in because I figured there was no hope they would or could have a hold on my 'real' life. Yet soon I am going to meet some of these people.
The simplicity of such insignificant things about me I allow to share with these people and most will never know that this is true. And they will certainly never know the subtle differences I do allow for.

At the moment the person I spend most of my time with is via online conversations, chilling out and doing the things you should normally do with real life friends. I don't even share the intimacies with people I know in real life online >.<
Believe me I have tried but the trivality of trying to maintain a brain dead conversation with oblivious half wits who don't really care about me is so degrading.
And I guess it is attitudes like that that get me to power things like this writing and train of thought.

I seem to get my inspirations and boosts from people that can not in all seriousness support me through it. I guess at the root of all this what I am truly looking to is I feel a change coming, is needed, but will I jump?
I do feel it is more about acquiescing to all these thoughts. Quelling all the stupid childish fears and monsters under the bed, or at least tying them down temporarily.

I know this has all been disjointed but it accurately reflects some of my disordered thoughts of late. A serious loss of identity and constructive thought.

"Isa: (I: Ice) A challenge or frustration. Psychological blocks to thought or activity, including grievances. Standstill, or a time to turn inward and wait for what is to come, or to seek clarity. (Isa cannot be reversed so lies in opposition) Ego-mania, dullness, blindness, dissipation. Treachery, illusion, deceit, betrayal, guile, stealth, ambush, plots."


Anyh00 here is a little something for teh Sheikz0r, an embarrassing piece of me I wrote when I was 15:

I, the lone maze, like the mountain tall and proud
Menacing and hiding all that was within
Some would find the epicentre of my being easily
Others giving up at the first turn
Patient watchful feline eyes, analyzing every motion
Those that get close will get a bitter taste
Like a lemon sip, contorting their mind into desperation
And again retreating into the depths.
The zest of life seemed like a distant memory
Looking in on the world,
Screaming
But unheard.
A zephyr against her hard ebony shell
Softening, now demure
Writing the epilogue, her own epitaph
Showing her mettle, before her
Demise.



Not really achieved all that much tonight, so this be owlly signing out for now!!